What do you think of the beginning?

Here is my beginning of my story-

Pain. I felt sharp needle like feelings run through my body. I wondered if it was possible to survive such circumstances. My heart pounded in my chest as if it was going to explode. It was strenuous to breathe.
I looked around the room, dark, cold, a place where a rat might want to live. I had no intention of living. My life was done, or so I thought. Shadows shifted along the walls, the white window panes the only color in the dark room. Voice was all I could hear, they were low murmurs.
As I tried to support my weak body the pain came again, worse. I saw a new figure. He had dark shaggy hair and unforgettable deep sea blue eyes. He hurried over to me ignoring the other figures in the room. My heart pounded as loud as an alarm clock. My breathing became abrupt, inhale exhale inhale exhale! It was so quick that I instantly stopped breathing. My eyes closed and everything blackened.
I knew I was still alive. I could hear the talking in the room. I could hear but not comprehend. I heard my name once or twice but I thought I was hallucinating. A soft, warm hand touched my cheek. I opened my eyes again, still not breathing. It was the boy with the dark hair. I had to breathe, for him. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. I slowly restarted my system.
More talking that I did not understand. I heard my name. Several times actually. In a row. I guessed someone was calling my name. Who? I had no time to answer questions; I didn’t even know where I was. A new figure stepped in the dark murky room, his stance angry. More talking. More hearing my name.
I took a deep breath and tried to make out the words, “She has to go! Emrys you can’t change her! She’s human and that’s what she’s meant to be!” an angry voice yelled. I saw something fly at me. “I’m sorry,” was the last thing I heard.

Tell me what you think, why you think that, and if you don’t like it how can I make it better?


5 Responses to “What do you think of the beginning?”

  • Haley Alice Cullen:

    I think it’s intriguingg and catches my attention
    You could make it better by giving a little more info about the setting and position she’s in and also not crowding the sentence with too many adjectives such as the line"deep sea blue eyes".
    The flowing is well,and I think just make it clearer if it’s dark or light, and how much she can really see.

  • x.smiles:

    it’s really descriptive, the end reminds me of twilight though ..

  • Me [[the girl with the face]] xD:

    I liked, althought i agree with the first person and it kinda reminds me of Twilight. But, it’s really descriptive. i wanna read more.. ^^

  • Kayla:

    That’s really descriptive!
    I want to be an author too. So I know that.
    It’s a bit odd though, depressing for the start of a book.
    I like that paragraph but I would place it later.
    When I get a book I read the first page or so and if i read this I would put the book back on the shelf thinking that this was a death and despair book.

  • ♥Twilight Girl♥:

    Oh my gosh! I got so interested in that; I wanted to read more!

    Please post the rest.

    This wouldn’t be anything that has anything to do with Twilight does it? I love Twilight! It reminds me of it and I was just wondering since "Emry" could have actually been "Embry"…but I love this! You got some real talent!

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